Top Ten Magnificent Bastards and Manipulative Bitches


Firstly lets define what I mean by a magnificent bastard, manipulative bitch speaks for itself (bearing in mind that these traits are genderless regardless of the whole bitch/bastard thing). A Magnificent bastard is:

  • He is Brilliant and utterly devious, to an almost breathtaking, mind-boggling degree. Call it genius, call it virtual omniscience, but he always seems to know what everybody else is planning at any given time, and exactly how to arrange the game so he wins every time.
  • He is a smooth operator. He always knows exactly what to say to position you where he wants you, always has a backup strategy and never loses his cool. Even if on the remote chance something happens that wasn’t in his plans, you’d never know it from his actions.
  • He has a goal, he’s not going to stop until he’s completed it…whatever it is. To that end he will do almost anything. He’ll move heaven and hell, and we want to see him succeed. Despite his choice of tactics, he is rarely if ever pointlessly cruel, and has a reason for everything he does.
  • He is charismatic, often charming, his personality like a physical force. People tend to like him, sometimes even when they know he isn’t on their side, and even those who hate his guts have to admit respect. Even when at his darkest, he has traits which one can’t help but admire.

So without further ado lets look at our bastards and bitches that could burn down an orphanage and still come out with the audience’s support. Remember that the results of this list are completely my own opinion, regardless of whether you agree or not, if you do excellent, if you don’t then kindly leave you have no place here amongst us civilised folk.

10) Angela Petrelli: Heroes (2006-2010)

Where do I begin with this bitch. She plots to destroy New York to help her son’s presidential campaign, poisons her husband, helps found a company which captures and tracks people with abilities, this bitch does it all. She shamelessly manipulates people, even her own sons if she deems it nessarcery. She lies to Sylar, a serial killer who murders other people for their abilities, and says she is his mother before allowing him to murder a woman for her power. Angela continually puts the company before her sons, leaving Peter’s comatosed bedside in order to, from her perspective, save humanity. Nathan, Angela’s first-born son, was born without a power so Angela gave him one genetically. She is a character reminiscent of Mrs Iselin from the Manchurian Candidate, a manipulative bitch who justifies her actions by saying that she is frequently trying to help the world. Angela Petrelli is certainly one hell of a manipulative bitch.

9) Barbera Covett: Notes on a Scandal (2006)

Imagine if Mrs Trunchbull from Matilda and Angela Petrelli had a secret lovechild who was neglected as a child. That child would be Barbera Covett. Barbera is a lonely 60 something teacher, often called a battle-axe by her pupils, who tends to have a negative view of those around her, because the film and indeed the book are based around the diaries of Barbera we see her thoughts on everything. Barbera becomes the narrator, we must trust her judgement however bias it may be, although the film is less bias. Barbera has no friends until the arrival of the new Art teacher Sheba. Barbera is both judgmental and a little smitten with the newcomer and the two strike up a friendship. Barbera is very controlling, she expects Sheba to miss her sons play in order to accompany her to the vets where her pet cat is being put down. Barbera then discovers that Sheba is having an affair with a 15-year-old pupil and she takes this to her advantage. She tells Sheba that she knows everything but, in a very clever moment, instead of blackmailing her into friendship Barbera tries to keep the relationship as friendly as possible telling Sheba that she will tell no one and even advises Sheba to cut off all contact with the boy. As the plot continues Barbera continues to control Sheba until she discovers the relationship has continued. In an act of revenge Barbera leaks news of the affair, causing Sheba to be arrested and lose her job. Barbera is a lonely and obsessive character. We can pity her and loath her at the same time, a trait which few characters posses. She shamelessly manipulates Sheba and, as we discover when Sheba finds the diaries, lusts after her. Barbera Covett is both a frightening and tragic character, she is cold and thinks very little of others. What a bitch.

8) Bill: Kill Bill (2004 and 2005)

This character is just a bastard but he does it in such an awesome way its difficult not to both admire and like him. Bill is the leader of the Deadly Viper assassination Squad and is a self proclaimed murdering bastard. He discovers his assassin lover faked her own death in order to run away to Texas. Needless to say when he finds out he gets a little but angry. He goes to the wedding chapel with his Assassin squad and allows them to kill the groom, bridesmaids, preacher, preacher’s wife and even Rufus, the coloured fellow who plays the piano. After everyone bar Beatrix, the Bride and Bill’s ex lover, has been shot they proceed to beat her to a bloody pulp before Bill walks up to her talking about he isn’t doing this out of sadism but out of masochism, he killing her pains him but he enjoys the pain it brings him. Bill then loads a revolver and shoots Beatrix in the head not quite enough to kill her but putting her in a coma for four whole years. Did I mention that she was pregnant? Yeah that’s right, he has his subordinates beat his pregnant lover to a bloody pulp before shooting her in the head. What an asshole. He is not however without his honour. He tells his new lover Elle not to kill Beatrix in he sleep because it would lower them. Bil takes up the majority of the second film and its great to see the relationship between Beatrix and Bill. He tells her she would have made a great mother, even naming their child B.B after both of them. Bill is also quite philosophical, his Superman analogy is just genius on Tarantino’s part. What makes this character so awesome, however, is the actor playing him. David Motherfucking Carradine. Straight up awesomeness. Bill is one guy you do not wanna jilt.

7) Senator Eleanor Prentiss Iselin: The Manchurian Candidate (1962)

Angela Petrelli was one manipulative mother but Eleanor Iselin takes it to a whole new level. Her son is a brainwashed communist assassin and she has control over him. When he sees a Queen of Diamonds playing card he becomes a slavishly loyal assassin killing whoever he is told to. Iselin is a communist agent, using her son to remove anybody who could stand in the way of a communist takeover of America. This bitch is just bad, I mean she’s shamelessly brainwashing her own son to kill people. Hell even Angela Petrelli didn’t do that, unless you count the Sylar thing but that was fucked up. Once the control Iselin had over her son has been broken she tries to save herself by lying about how the communists didn’t tell her that her own son was to be used thereby increasing their control over her. It is quite moving and I don’t think is a totally evil character. She enjoys the power but not the fact that she is being controlled by the communists, if she had the chance she would “grind them into the dirt”. Iselin is a bit of a power-hungry dictator in some sense, she plans to enforce a totalitarian regime which would make martial law look like anarchy. This woman really is a bitch, using her son to achieve both her own and America’s red enemy’s goals.

6) Lord Voldemort: Harry Potter (1997-2007)

Yeah you all knew it was coming. How could I do this list without Voldemort. He is a vile character, pure evil with no redeeming features whatsoever. He’s sadistic, racist, power-hungry, selfish and suffers from a pathological fear of death. Because he was conceived from a loveless union, through the use of a love potion, he is completely unable to feel love. Voldemort is based mainly on Adolf Hitler. Just exchange the Jews for muggles and the SS for Death Eaters and you have some of the greatest villains ever created in literature. Voldemort feels that both love and death weaken a person, death is for the weak while love weakens the strong. This is why Voldemort has no desire for friendship or love. Some would argue that he actually likes some of his followers, he screams NOOOOO! when Bellatrix is killed although this is probably just due to the fact that such a loyal and talented follower is now dead. JK Rowling has said that Voldemort is a raging psychopath and to be honest that’s basically most of what he is. There is magical prowess, cunning and intelligence but Voldemort is effectively Hitler and Merlin’s lovechild. What a combo.

5) Count Dracula: Dracula (1897)

This is the character that pretty much singlehandedly created the image of the vampire we know today. Few people know but Dracula is actually attempting to take over the world by moving to London, infecting as many people as possible, that’s pretty douchey. The count is described as a sophisticated gentleman living in the midst of a dark forest, deep in rural Transylvania. Stoker wrote this character as an attacker of everything English society stood for in the Victorian era. The count is a foreigner who bites virtuous young women, turning them into monstrous femme fatales with massive sexual overtones, in fact the count seems to prey directly on virgins. Incest is hinted at. The brides of Dracula are described as looking similar to their master. Thats one of the biggest social taboos and Dracula breaks it. The entire concept of the dead reawakening to murder the young women of England is quite disturbing even by todays standards but Victorian society was very conservative and this sort of thing was very radical. Dracula has of course been portrayed and parodied over and over and over again. Personally I think my favorite representations of him have been those by Christopher Lee, Gary Oldman and of course the legendary Bela Lugosi. The count is one hell of a character you wouldn’t want to meet on a dark night.

4) The many Incarnations of Blackadder: Blackadder series (1983-1989)

Yeah you probably guessed this one as well. Blackadder is just such a manipulative bastard. Although each Blackadder is positioned in a different place in British society over each series, generally falling in class over the centuries, there are certain common characteristics that each Blackadder shares. Throughout each series, Blackadder is a self-serving, cynical opportunist concerned solely with increasing his own influence and status within his society (and, usually, gaining a lot of money along the way) rather than serving any idealistic goals. With the exception of the first Blackadder incarnation, Prince Edmund, each Blackadder is generally witty, charming and intelligent. While he is beset by bad luck, he is usually very capable of manipulating his way out of a crisis and in securing for himself some degree of prestige and fortune. Blackadder is also usually surrounded by incompetent, stupid and at times mad servants, equals and superiors. As a result, he possesses a scathing wit and is usually prepared with numerous sarcastic put-downs, which are often wasted on those they are directed at. He always has an amusingly exaggerated simile to describe whatever situation he finds himself in. Blackadder is the witty bastard we all root for, a guy who we want to see win and to be fair he kinda deserves to for all his effort but he never really seems to. Is he an underdog? Well in one way yes bt he possesses charm, wit, intelligence and guile that his superiors lack.

3) Richard III: Richard III (approximately 1591)

Oh jesus this guys a bastard. Where to start. Firstly he murders the previous heads of the previous royal family, he marries the wife of a man he murdered, proclaiming he will have her but not keep her long, he murders his brothers, his nephews, his advisors, his enemies pretty much every main character other than a handful is killed by this guy. He shows no remorse and no pity and why does he commit such terrible crimes such as child murdering and forcing young women to marry him? Because he wants to be king. What an asshole. Richard is a hunchback and is incredibly resentful of the fact that his disfigurement has made him so repulsive to people, even the dogs bark at him. This could classify him as a villain to be pitied but he enjoys what he’s doing far too much. It is only towards the end of the play when Richard dreams about those he has betrayed, murdered and generally wronged, that he actually realises that he is completely alone and will almost certainly doomed to die. This guy is such a sadistic fuck and he enjoys even single minute of it.

2) The Master: Doctor Who (1971-2009)

The Master is a straight up megalomanic. He has attempted to take over more than 8 different plants and even the entire universe on several occasions. The Master has gone through a variety of actors, due to the fact he is a time lord and can therefore regenerate. Each actor has brought a different thing, the majority have played him the same way, a meglomaniac time lord version of professor Moriarty. Then came John Simm. Now I was  surprised to read reviews of the episodes starring Simm as the Master which said he wasn’t very good and that he lacked what the other incarnations had. This isn’t a bad thing! Simm was quirky and energetic, he was funny and playful. He was more like the Doctor than ever before. He was still a meglomanic but now he was bat shit crazy and eccentric as fuck and I loved it. They took the best parts from David Tennants Doctor and gave them to his nemesis. This was clever and I don’t think you could say that is was foolish, in fact it was genius. The Master was now equal to the Doctor and that’s what we as an audience wanted. We wanted a villain that could rival our hero, we always have. True we know that good must always triumph and 99% of the time it does but it was nice to see two characters so well matched going at each other, even if technically they used the “it was all a dream” clichĂ© WHICH I HATE!!

1) Lucifer/Satan/The Devil: The Bible (No idea)

Lucifer is the most evil thing in all creation. He is tragic, malevolent, manipulative, magnificent, human, sadistic and complex. This is such an interesting character and yet he is in very little of the Bible. We need to look towards Milton’s Paradise Lost or Dante’ s Divine Comedy for more information on the Prince of Darkness. Firstly his fall. Lucifer was God’s greatest angel until one day his ego and arrogance gets the better of him and he challenges God saying that he is greater, hell he manages to persuade a third of all God’s angels to join him which ,according to the bible, is equal to a third of the stars in the sky. Lucifer falls from grace and hell is created as a punishment for him to rule over, this results in one of the greatest quotes of all time “Better to rule in Hell than to serve in Heaven”. Lucifer then decides that if he can’t touch God then he’ll harm mankind, Gods finest achievement. Lucifer then proceeds to temp Eve into taking the apple thereby causing mankind’s expulsion from the Garden of Eden. Lucifer is one bad bastard, the best at being bad. He is the very epiphany of evil and he does it so well and with pure enjoyment that he simply has to be both the greatest magnificent bastard and manipulative bitch.

Benny 4700

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