OK. I don’t normally do Top 20’s and as a rule, I find them VERY annoying, but I feel the urge to do something of a Star Wars nature and having done the films and not having access to any of the games or books at the moments, I’m stuck with this. So, hold on tight as we enter hyperspace for, That Guy’s Top 20 Star Wars Characters! Punch it Chewie!
Now, as you know, I’m a massive Star Wars nerd, so when I say these are my favourite characters, they are the select few from the hundred or so that I like, from the two hundred or so that I remember. Let’s start with number 20.
20 – Ponda Baba and Evazan
I know that these are two people, but you can’t have one without the other. Do you know who they are? The whole ‘my friend doesn’t like you… I don’t like you either…’ scene in the canteen in A New Hope just wouldn’t have worked without these two in the antagonist role. We’re here with a Doctor and according to Robot Chicken, an architect, whose idea of a joke ends up with the latter’s arm being removed. Tough stuff! Simple characters, but they are uniquely great.
19 – Jar Jar Binks
For this, some people will set a price on my head so high, that every bounty hunter in the galaxy will be looking for me. Some of you think he should be higher. Some of you think he shouldn’t be here at all. I think 19th is perfect! He’s a simple-minded, yet completely idiotic character whose sole purpose in The Phantom Menace, was to make kids laugh. Well, I saw this when it came out and I laughed, so mission accomplished. As for why he’s totally pointless in every way? What am I supposed to say? He ends up doing the one thing that would make Palpatine become the Emperor… Granting him emergency powers… Bad Jar Jar. Very bad indeed! That said, he does survive to the end of the series (we hear him shout ‘wesa free’ in the remastered Return of the Jedi), so he can’t be that useless!
18 – Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru (Lars)
Why are they here?, I hear you ask. Well, they were simple, yet developed characters. We knew their whole life story, just from the 20 minutes they are in A New Hope, most of which is backed up by their appearance in Attack of the Clones. They work on a moisture farm and have managed to not go insane from the blatant dullness of the jobs at hand. Hat off to them, if I still wore it…
17 – Max Reebo
Max Reebo. Un-named in the films, but a very obvious character. Still don’t know who he is? He’s the blue elephant. No. Not Gonzo. The other one… He sits there, plays his music and then gets killed in Jabba’s Sail Barge. What more could we want from a virtually insignificant character? Why do I like him? He’s blue, and looks like an elephant. What’s not to like?
16 – Jabba’s Rancor’s Owner
Although I don’t know the name of this obese, topless male (and I don’t want to enter that description into google, for fear of reprimand), this character has a lot of depth. He works for the most villainous criminal since, well, Rupert Murdoch, yet he will take the death of his pet as if it were the death of his own son. What kind of monster are we dealing with here? Well, a Rancor obviously, but other than that? There isn’t one! This man, played brilliantly by what-ever-his-name-is suffers a lot in this film, losing his pet, his job and possibly his life. Does he carry on? We don’t know, but if I know him as well as I think I do, he does!
Over the page we’ll have my countdown from 15th to 11th…
15 – Ki-Adi-Mundi
Who the heck is this? Seriously? It’s the big-head that helps test Anakin during The Phantom Menace. You know… The alien one… With the big head… A very big head. What did he do? Well, he had a cool voice, if memory serves me well. Also, he died spectacularly, in a blaze of deliberate ‘friendly fire’ as he led a platoon of clones across an ash covered bridge (I thought it was snow, but apparently it’s ash). He manages to deflect a bunch of shots before finally being hit. What a hero!
14 – Count Dooku
What can I say? It’s Christopher ‘Fucking’ Lee! All I can say is that Benny is going to crucify me for not having him in the top 10. Well, here’s why. He may be a great actor (Saruman, for example) but he is just too creepy. For those of you who personally know me, yes, I am creepy, but that means that C ‘F’ L must be VERY creepy if I think he is. The character is great and in my opinion, shouldn’t have been beheaded in an example of the ‘scissor light saber move’. He was betrayed by his own boss and his Darth name, Tyrannus, always made me think of T-Rex’s. Gotta love it!
13 – Yoda
I can guarantee that there will be uproar about this. Yoda? In 13th? How unlucky?!? Well, I think I’m totally justified here. First, he refuses to let them train Anakin. Then he lets the train Anakin. Then he fails to kill the Emperor. Then he goes into exile. Then he trains Luke. Then he sends Luke into that scary fucking cave with the Darth Vader thing in it, which tries and fails to kill Luke. Then he decides that Luke should return from his battle with Vader (which he thinks Luke isn’t ready for). Then he dies straight after Luke gets back to him, saying there’s nothing more for Yoda to teach him. Plus, he hangs around with younglings about as often as a Catholic Priest! In short (lol) he just ruins EVERYTHING for everyone. He fails in his job as a Jedi and as a teacher. So why is he here at all then? Well, he’s short but is better suited to being a ninja than me, and I’m a ninja assassin… Honest. He’s also green, which although I don’t like the colour, he pulls it off well.
12 – Wedge Antilles
Red 2 standing by… Wedge Antilles, pilot in the Rebel Fleet, call sign Red 2, then Red Leader. Why’s he so great, eh? Well, he’s the ONLY pilot to have fought in both the Battle of Yavin AND the Battle of Endor. He survived both. He was part of the two successful attacks on both Death Stars and he coped well with having a completely different actor play him. What a guy! And he only gets a promotion of one rank? DISGRACEFUL!
11 – Biggs Darklighter
Red 3 standing by… Biggs Darklighter, pilot in the Rebel Fleet, call sign Red 3, life-long friend of Luke Skywalker. Why’s he so great? One line sums it all up. ‘I can’t see him!’ The panic in the voice as he is being tailed by a Tie-Fighter, is very obvious here. I mean, wouldn’t you panic? And then he died. So why Biggs, instead of Dak (killed at the Battle of Hoth, by either an explosion, or being cruched) or Arnold Crynyd (died when crashing into the Executor’s bridge)? Because Biggs died saving his friend. By being in the way, Vader’s blasterfire didn’t hit Luke. Instead, they hit and killed Biggs. Bad luck Biggs, but that’s life. You will be sorely missed by… whoever else remembers you. They don’t even mention him during the rest of the series. DISGRACEFUL!
So here we go, down to my Top 10. See you on the next page…
10 – Jabba the Hutt
The Hutts. What a species. NO! NO THEY’RE NOT! THEY’RE A FAMILY! LIKE THE SLITHEEN! HA! What a family! I mean, a crime family, that look like fat slugs covered in human fecal matter. What more could you want? He owns a palace, a sail barge and gets killed by his own stupidity. BRILLIANT! Also, he gets away with everything I don’t get away with. I wouldn’t get away with having a bronze bikini clad woman locked to my bed, would I? Or would I? Hmmmmm…
9 – Chewbacca and Han Solo
WHAT? Chewie and Han? The inseparable dynamic duo? In 9th place? DISGRACEFUL, but true. Sure, they save Luke a few times and Leia a few times and lend their ship to Lando to blow up the 2nd Death Star after they themselves help blow up its shield generator, BUT, and it’s as big a but as J-Lo’s… What do they actually do? They decide to leave the Rebel’s at Yavin, when they could have been a major player in destroying the original Death Star. Sure they return, but think of the lives that could have been saved with them there earlier. Chewie is great. I mean, a walking carpet would be great at my house! And Han? Harrison Ford is and was a great actor. Great pair, but selfish, self-obsessed and in my opinion, 9th!
8 – Qui Gon Jinn
Why is Qui Gon here? Why on Naboo would I agree for one of the men responsible for the rise of the Empire to end up in 8th place? Well, here’s why. He stood up for what he believed in. He thought Anakin was the chosen one and by God he was! He also paid for the mistake of believing in his own ability. He could have fought backwards, towards Obi Wan, but instead, carried on going forwards, towards that melting pit, towards his death. Was his last words ‘Noooooo’ or ‘Aaaaaargh’? No. They weren’t. They were ‘Promise. Promise me you will train the boy. He… is the chosen one… he will bring balance. Train him.’ What a guy? Dying from a stab wound through his torso and his last words will ‘save the galaxy’? HERO!
7 – Senator/Supreme Chancellor/Emperor Palpatine (Darth Sidious)
Go for popa Palpatine! Palpatine. The bad-ass who works his way through the ranks of the Galactic Senate, before becoming Emperor, abolishing the senate and building the two Death Stars… What a bastard! I mean, this was the old guy we thought was supposed to be the guy who rode in and saved the day with the rest of the senate, waving his mofo shotgun in their faces and blasting the droids to smithereens. Instead, he nearly kills Yoda, Luke, most of the Rebels, Vader and finally, worst of al, gets killed by falling into the 2nd Death Star’s Core… Seriously? He falls STRAIGHT into the fucking core. The core that’s being blown up by the Rebels. The core that shoots out blue smoke when he falls into it. To be honest, I prefer the Robot Chicken Death… he lands on the Millenium Falcon windscreen after reminiscing about his hand in the creation of the Empire (Baba O’ Reilly’ FTW!)
6 – Watto
Watto. The minor-character / slave owner. Really! He is so cool. He’s essentially the stereotypical Jewish alien. What more could you want? He likes money, has the nose for it and can fly! HE’S GREAT. I just hope that 6th place will suffice! (‘No, it won’t’!)
Time for my Top 5. It took a lot of time and effort to rank these, so you better enjoy it!
5 – Luke
Luke? In 5th? He turned Vader to good and as such, caused the end of the Empire, later restored balance to the force through teaching the Jedi way to many more people. Plus, he blew up Death Star 1… Well, yes, he did. Know what else he did? He whined about everything. ALL the time. Literally. It’s all whining. Pick a scene with him in and he’ll whine about something. ‘But I wanna go to Toshi Station to pick up some power converters’, ‘But I want to go to the academy this season!’, and ‘If there’s a bright centre to the universe, you’re on the planet it’s furthest from!’. See. it’s all whining!
4 – Darth Vader
What? Vader in 4th. Oh ho ho… So that must mean that Anakin is in the Top 3… Smart move That Guy… Smart move indeed. Well, wait and see. Vader. In 4th. Here’s why. He’s a bastard for the entire screen time he has, as well as some of the off-screen time. He chokes people via video-chat, chokes people face to face and kills a shitload of younglings. What a bastard. Why is he here then? Well, I like his suit and he was derived from the most powerful Jedi EVER, so he must be, like, amazing!
3 – Darth Maul
This was a tough Top 3 to arrange, but one thing was for certain. Darth Maul was here. He’s the bad ass mofo with the red and black face paints. We don’t even find out what species he is unless you look at extra Star Wars content. How cool? Very cool is how cool! He has, like, 3 lines in the film and I don’t even think one of them was put into it. So there’s 2 lines of his in the film. He’s practically Silent Bob… And I like Silent Bob. Plus, he was the only double-ended-lightsaber wielder we see, as well as being the only one to have his body cut into two, almost equal parts… Yeah. he’s cool.
2 – Leia Organa / Padme Amidala
Oooh. Leia. Leia Organa. Later, Leia Organa Solo. Why is she here? Well, two major reasons. One, she’s a character with a lot of integrity. Whatever happens, she manages to cope well. Her planet gets blow’d up and what does she do? She sits there, plans an attack on the machine that did it and then kicks ass, old school style! Two. She doesn’t half look good in a bikini, even if it IS made of metal. (Some people say it’s gold and I think it’s brass. What we can agree on, is metal!)
Then we get to her mother. What can I say? She’s also hot and also a vitally brilliant character… I couldn’t decide which one got the 2nd place spot, so they can share it…
So, time for my favourite Star Wars character of all. Who could it be? Some of you will think it’s Anakin and some of you might think it’s Greedo. Heck, where WAS Padme? What about the droids? Where are they? Well, lets see shall we?
1 – Obi-Wan / Ben Kenobi
Damn right! Obi-Wan. The baddest mofo of all. OBI WAN! Why him? Why not any of the others I’ve mentioned? Well, here’s why. Obi-Wan is a complex character. He’s a Jedi, that teaches the Jedi ways, yet seems to sympathise when Anakin has feelings for Padme. He starts off being the sort of vengeance fueled character who developes into this guy that just manages to kick ass wherever he goes. Does he go into exile? Yes. As a hermit. On Tatooine. GENIUS. I want to do it. Live as a hermit in a desert. That’s be great! So what about Ben Kenobi? He was a knob, surely? No. He was misguided by loneliness and the voices of the dead. He became a force ghost for crying out loud. He’s brilliant. And the voice… Ooooh. His is the only voice I feel I can accurately imitate. Why? It’s so simple! Plus, Obi-Wan Kenobi… Obi-Wank Enobi… HE HAS WANK IN HIS NAME! BRILLIANT! In the face of death, he stands there and tells his killer that death will make him stronger, then takes the lightsaber to the ribs. What a bad-ass. Seriously. He’s like, the spawn of Chuck Norris and God… Not that I condone blasphemous homosexual relationships…