Well – I’ve finally got round to doing my proper Minecraft review. I would have done it sooner, but with the relatively recent update to the proper version (rather than the beta) and the mass of work I’ve been doing for my college exams, I’ve literally only just managed to find time to do this. I home that you enjoy what follows.

Now, if you’re one of the four people who got to read my first Minecraft review, back when it was still Beta 1.7, you’ll know that I was angry at the time of writing it and as such, shouldn’t have. I have, luckily, since then calmed down about so-called ‘griefers’ and am now focused ENTIRELY on building the amazing. I have so far succeeded in doing this by making most of a floating island, a very bad copy of the bridge of the USS Enterprise D and a series of large boats. My personal favourite has to be my own personal yacht, named ‘The Millennium Sea-Bass’, which took a sum total of 2 hours to construct, is located in a harbour owned by my building colleague ‘Olly3333’, trapped behind two very large wool statues of him and his friend, ‘Connorjv95’ and is barely a quarter of the size of the boat that I made for him, which he has yet to name. It is a very large ship. I’d have thought The Ark would suffice, but apparently not. Regardless, this is supposed to be a review of the game, rather than a review of my ability WITHIN the game. Let’s proceed, shall we.

Following this quick explanation of what will follow these sentences, I will write a review of Survival (S), Creative (C) and Hardcore (H) modes, in both single (SP) and multi player (MP) modes. I shall start with SSP, before moving onto CSP, HSP, SMP, CMP and HMP, in that order.


Survival single player is one of the modes which seems to be brilliant at first, then quickly turns to crap. ‘BRILLIANT! I’m here in a world of my own, untouched by Minecraftians and able to forge a world to my own liking, through hours of painstakingly difficult work, which should, hopefully, become worth it in the end.’

I’ve spent a sum total of 4 and a half days doing this. It doesn’t become worth it. Supposing you manage to survive your first night (always the hardest and especially so if you don’t find 3 sheep within the first few minutes), you still have to locate a decent spot to place your home, should you choose to build one. So, there you are, on day 2, wandering through a forest in the middle of nowhere. Brilliant. Loads of wood. I can make a lot from that. Then you take down a moderate amount of wood, craft it into the stuff you need and BAM! Now you’re in a woodland clearing, specifically made to build a house which, however you build it, will either be grossly too big, or ridiculously small. You manage to use up ALL of the wood you cut up and all of a sudden, you realise you should plant some trees, because let’s be honest here, we need to be E-Ecofriendly as well.

So, you plant the saplings and HOLY OAK TREE BATMAN! You’ve got a tree. A tree which now provides some shade next to your house, which will allow monsters to spawn there at night. Great. Zombies on my doorstep. Let’s put up a fence shall we? I’ll build a nice brown picket fence and then we’ll be safe. We’ll stick a few lights up and then it’ll all be fine. Well, first you need the lights. On day one, you should have worked out how to get coal or charcoal, or burn wood to make stuff. If not, you died. Simple as.

So, supposing you’ve managed to build a house, make it safe to live in and start to hoard enough resources to build something worth having, like, as The Escapist put it in his review a few months back, a massive skull cave with lava coming out of the eyes. Nu-uh. You can’t build a cave. Not in a forest. Ok. Let’s look for some mountains. 3 days later, you’re dying in a hole whilst creepers bombard you on every side and all you can do is twat them with a  stick every few seconds, before running back and hoping they cause splash damage to each other. Great. So, here I am, FINALLY at a mountain and there’s shit coming out to kill me. Not good. Plus, It’s 3 days away from my house. I know. I’ll move. So you start again. Literally. YOU START AGAIN. Every time you build a new house, EVEN if you just move it from one side of a road, to the other, you have started again. Feel’s kind of shitty, doesn’t it? Knowing that all that time you spent perfecting your imperfect house, was wasted.

So eventually, you’ve managed to cart all your crap from House to House 2.0, before realising that you no longer want a massive skull cave with lava coming out of the eyes. Instead, you want a rollercoaster, so you head on over to creative mode.

Now, a game-mode which will eventually lead you to despise it, cannot be worth existing. I mean, here we all are, paying however much it is, to play a game, which we will all hate. Sure, some people like struggling to build basic locations, but I don’t. I want to be able to show off these amazingly grand structures that EVERYONE will want to visit. My server’s owner, Reprobation, managed to build a replica of the exterior or the White House. It was epic. The inside, not so much, but still. Did he work all night and day to locate enough iron to make it all? No. He didn’t. He used creative mode.


So, you’ve given up on survival mode and here you are, hoping to get rid of all those memories of horror and anger at the basic physical elements of a computer game, just because it’ll cost you everything you can carry just to get to the diamonds which we all so desperately crave.

Creative single player is unusual, in the sense that you can build ANYTHING, so long as you know how. Well, I know how to build a house, I know how to make some automatic doors (my own design as well, so I actually learnt how to do it) and above all, I know how to build an amazing boat. However, I can’t build an elevator. I can’t build a door which, from the outside, is completely hidden from view. Why? I can build anything else. Heck. I can make, if I wish, a bridge which could be destroyed, from either end, using TNT. I have done, in fact. FIVE TIMES!

My point is, you can build anything, which you realise. So, what do you build? Hey? What do you build? How about a massive terracotta army? Nope. Too small. Not epic enough. How about an armada of ships? Not varied enough. How about a spaceship? Really? An immobile space ship? I KNOW!

I’ll build a city. A copy of LONDON. The whole city. Great. Smart plan. Let’s do it. Let’s build London. All of it. No mistakes.

So then you go all OCD and realise that you don’t have a clue what most of London looks like and as such, resort to using bad pictures of some roads, before giving up when you realise that you’re still building a road, when it should have been completed a few weeks ago. It’s gets to you. You have to flatten the land, prepare it for growing and then BOOSH! Build something. Start simple and do a small fort BEFORE you decide to build Elsinore castle, as described in the original Hamlet script. Don’t be ridiculous. I mean, seriously? I want to build a 100:1 copy of the Dalai Lama, but it won’t happen. I barely managed to make Olly’s boat.

It’s just damn near impossible to do anything substantial when you’re alone, yet the smaller projects seem stupid. Why bother, right? I mean, someone else has already done it!


Now, I’ll be honest. The idea of playing a game which will delete itself if I die, doesn’t appeal to me and as such, I haven’t played it. Since the addition of food, I have remained ENTIRELY in creative mode. Why? I hate dying. It’s bad enough that the use of /kill captain_fap will kill me, let alone a lack of spare time or inventory space.

Besides, why would I want to play a game that is deliberately trying to kill me? It’s like, Talking Tina meets WarGames. Seriously! It is!

That’s all I have to say…


Survival mutiplayer is a great idea. We’ll get a group of people to work together to forge a world for them to live in. We’ll get them to build homes, farm land and share equipment, food, loot, land and God knows what else. I liked the idea. I genuinely did. It’s great. I’ll get to do my own castaway style thing with some mates and no-one actually gets killed by the psycho one. Or do they? Imagine, if you will, that your avatar is starving. There’s one last pork chop and all of a sudden, you’re all dying from hunger. If you see that pork chop, you are very unlikely to give it to someone else. You’re going to eat it.

Now you’re a bastard. You let your own friend die. You bastard! So, they respawn and exile you with nothing but a wooden axe and a wooden hoe. Now what? Well, normally you’d go off and find somewhere else, but instead, they make you leave at night. You can barely outrun an enemy in the best of conditions and eventually, you’ll starve to death. But, you’re not welcome. You can’t come within a hundred blocks of this building! So, you leave. Alone. All alone. Why bother? Just play single play… Oh…

There’s just so much competition and tbh, I don’t want to know how it would up if you played hardcore…


Creative multi player is probably my favourite mode. I am always in it and to be honest, I don’t know why.

You are essentially God. You can make, break, move or go to anything. I am the all-powerful and you will make me a statue made of gold. I am a tyrannical leader and you will bow down to me. Or that guy over there, who’s exactly the same. Or even to you, who, again, is the same. Well… I feel awkward now…

So, what do you build? You build the largest city you’ve ever seen. No. Don’t do that. You’ll never finish it. Why not? Because no-one will want to finish off that massive fucking building that the whole city is based around, usually a town hall or a church. Building the same houses over and over is the agreed upon method, but it gets tedious too quickly. You will get sick of creating the same road structure between the houses within maybe an hour of starting.

I recently (as in, three days ago) joined a server designed around anti-griefing and plot-based building. It works well. I like it. My assistant builder likes it. We’re able to build anything we want in a 50 x 50 x 256 area. That’s a lot of space…


Hardcore multi-player? Never played it.


So, what’s the verdict? Minecraft is a funny one. Do I like it? Yes. Does it do everything I ask? Yes. Does it get boring quickly? Yes. So, what do I think?

I think it should be free. In order to enjoy this game, it needs to be free. I bought it when it was in beta-mode and it cost me about £15. Not a bad price, considering what I was told about it. Sadly, I feel lied to. It’s not a great game. It gets those creative juices flowing, but that’s why I write. If I wasn’t writing this, I’d be on Wurm, or on Minecraft, building the hell out of my land. Instead, I’m enjoying half an hour of writing to tell you that you’re better off distracting yourself with something else.

Avoid Minecraft like the plague for one of two reasons. One – You’ll love it for the best part of , oooh, 3 months. After that, you’ll resent it. A lot. Two? It’s pointless. There is no goal. You have no aim. It’s all a matter of doing whatever YOU want to do. Well, I want to stop playing…


That Guy


2 thoughts on “Minecraft

  1. The one thing you got absolutely right is that you WILL get bored after around 3 months. I was addicted to this game and on CMP and CSP, we made some cool stuff. However, ALWAYS (Usually ThatGuy or Locke) would decide to build something difference elsewhere and make it impossible to find.

    Another frustrating problem I always have with this game is the fact that you will have an amazing idea, such as, I’m going to build a nice log cabin or skyscraper, and its going to look like this inside… *Insert mental image here*… However, when you build it, your first thought is… “Well, this looks shit.” Most of the time it isn’t finished, so you leave a big ugly half build design in the middle of a world.


    • You’re absolutely right. You start a project and you never want to finish it because you realise it’ll be shite.

      As for placing stuff in the impossible to find locations, I’ll be honest here. I do that one reason. I like isolation. It’s all right being with people you know, but the second you’re all building your own stuff all over the place, you start to annoy each other, encroach on each other’s space and realise that you just don’t want to build with these people. Some build for the lolz, others for the thrill of creating something.

      Me? I build because that’s what I was born to do!


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