Dogma


What better way to celebrate Easter, than to watch a film which directly slates religion in a new and enjoyable way? That’s right. I watched Dogma.

Dogma, directed by Kevin Smith and starring himself, Jason Mewes, Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, Chris Rock, Alan Rickman, Salma Hayek, George Carlin, Alanis Morissette, Jason Lee, etc, is a comedy film.

The plotĀ centresĀ around two fallen angels (played by Affleck and Damon), as they travel to New Jersey to pass through a church’s archway so that they can re-enter Heaven, which if they succeed to do, will cause the instantaneous destruction of the universe. Whilst this happens, the audience watches as the last descendant of God (a long-lost relative of Jesus) as well as the ‘loveable’ Jay and Silent Bob, try to stop the aforementioned angels.

The result of this film is an orgy of laughter, mixed with mild arousal (thank you, Kevin Smith, for introducing us to Salma Hayek’s character, whilst she’s pole-dancing…) and cringing at the sight of the Excremental (shit-demon). We get to experience everything that makes a film great. Combat scenes, funny jokes, excessive swearing, the underclothing of an attractive Hispanic woman and just enough thinking to make you wonder if religion is really worth all the hassle. From personal experience, I’d have to say that Matt Damon’s discussion with a nun at the start REALLY sums it up…

Messing With The Clergy

“The Walrus and the Carpenter,” that’s an indictment of organized religion. The walrus, with his girth and his good nature, he obviously represents either Buddha, or, or with his tusks, the Hindu elephant god, Lord Ganesha. That takes care of your Eastern religions. Now the carpenter, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was raised a carpenter’s son, he represents the Western religions. Now in the poem, what do they do? What do they do? They, they dupe all these oysters into following them and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse. I don’t know what that says to you, but to me it says that following these faiths based on mythological figures ensures the destruction of one’s inner being. Organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions out of, out of fear of some, some intangible parent figure who, who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says, and says, “Do it… do it and I’ll fuckin’ spank you.”

So, what about the cast then? Well, Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith pull off their Jay and Almost-Silent Bob characters as brilliantly as always, whilst Alanis Morissette performs brilliantly as a very child-like God. I mean, BLOODY HELL! You’d think she was, like, 12 or something… You’ve got Ben Affleck and Matt Damon as fallen angels who kill a lot of people. Brilliant. A role where I’m SUPPOSED to hate Ben Affleck.

Phwoar!

I’d climb her apples and pears, if you know what I mean…

Salma Hayek, who, as pictured above, we meet pole-dancing, stars brilliantly as the hottie in the film and Linda Fiorentino is pretty good as the ‘Jesus’ of the film. Alan Rickman even gets a look in, playing the voice of God… What a voice to use!

How about George Carlin? He plays a cardinal who decides that it’s time to re-invent Catholicism by changing their symbol from the crucifix, to this…

Buddy Jesus

Everybody go ‘ayyyyyyyy!’

So, there we have it. The cast is awesome, the plot superb, the humour met and the theology as accurate as possible. All I can do now is score it. I want to give it a full 10, but there is something missing. I don’t think we saw enough of Alan. I really don’t. He was a minor character, but should have been MUCH more important. Sorry Kevin, but you’ve lost a point.

9/10

That Guy

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