Star Wars Galaxy Vacation


Sorry I’ve been not reviewing a lot for a while. I’ve tried to keep up, but its hard at the moment. So hard, I decided I need a break away from it all, and what’s further away than a galaxy far far away. I went on holiday to the Star Wars galaxy and here is my travel log of each planetary weekend, in order from my worst, at 10, to my absolute favorite. You must keep in mind all that star wars stuff happened a long time ago, so things are a little different now, so die-hard fans; just go with it really…

Log 10: Dagobah

Landing was the first mistake. This place is hot and 99.9999999….% humid! Our tour guide informed us to apply our bug cream and keep a watchful eye for bogs on our walk. In this damp, foggy mosh; the last thing i was worried about was losing my boot to some mud. The atmosphere in that place gave me the creeps and the fact the guide kept his weapon slightly raised the whole time did not inspire confidence either.

The walk was brief. I couldn’t stand for the volume of sheer sweat leaving my body a shell of meat and bones for some lucky stalking animals next meal. The cream hadn’t worked as the bugs persistently bit at me, try to suck every dehydrated blood cell from my exhausted, half dead body. On the whole trip, nothing actually attacked us, but it was just such a horrible place for my body to be. I thought going in its winter would help, but the methane keeps that place boiling away like a kettle. I never looked back as we left.

Log 9: Felucia

Oh great, another jungle, is what i thought, but as we landed, i realised it was actually completely different. Hot and dense, but loads of shade and clearings plus the plants were huge! Our guide, with his trusty weapon, and us with our trusty bug cream, bravely stepped forward into the endless greens, flowers and trees of Felucia.

The Felucians gave us a warm welcome to their camp, and we feasted on disgusting grub worms, a local meat that taste like chicken and a delicacy, that one risked his life to get and that they had saved specially for us; the egg of the mighty Zarlac. Or somethin’ like that. All a bit gross really.

After our meal and toilet break, we trekked onto the largest river on the planet, that was too large to cross, so we walked along the edge of that, getting violently assaulted from bugs as we went, till mercifully, we began heading back to the ship. On the way back, we saw the natural wildlife. They really can run fast on there 6 long legs and there ability to be blaster proof for so long defies belief. I had to thank them though, in that chase and fear, by the end, I did manage to lose that oh so awfully tasting lunch.

Log 8: Tour of Eco base: Hoth

If you’ve ever seen Hoth from space, you really can count yourself lucky. The reflection of the ice on from the surface is incredible. In the planetary observation room of Home twelve, our guide told us of the ancient battle on Hoth between the Empire and the Rebels. It sounds epic, and I wish I had been able to have seen it. He told us of Eco base has been under ice for many years and how damaged it has become. It was never built to last, but I was still excited to see what would be left.

If you ever see Hoth from space, STAY IN SPACE! I froze at the gateway into the main hanger. It was only just still standing, and it looked like it would fall in at any moment. Because Hoth was classed now as a wild planet, we had a few extra ‘guides’ with much bigger guns, who told us to stay where we were, which suited me as I really could barely move, and they would scout ahead. After less than 5 minuets and two requests for the toilet, they returned with the news that at least one wampa had made the base his/her home, so we had to leave. I didn’t complain as it meant i got warmer and hot chocolate, but if i could have separated my lips at the time, i would have cursed such a wast of a trip. I wouldn’t have minded the acute frostbite if i had actually seen something besides snow.

Log 7: Endor

Out of the ice and back into the forest. I’m starting to see a bit of an old rebel bias appear here, as we landed on the ruin site of the old Rebel base on Endor. The Ewoks gave us a cuddly welcome and the food here was actually rather tasty. Not that I’m comparing it with anywhere….

I don’t know if you know this, but Endor is just a forest. I don’t mean flowers, different types of grass, loads of hedges and wild shrubs. No, it’s a forest of trees. And they are some big trees! Redwood park is dwarfed by these trees. Hell, even that giant lumberjack from American folk-lore wouldn’t know where to start. This would normally be enough, but the guide insisted on takeing us on a tour of the local forest and couldn’t seem to help herself from lecturing us on every single insignificant flower, bush, blade of grass and tree! Thank ‘[insert deity]’ that there was only two or three shrubs and flowers, but almost every other tree was a different type of tree. I wouldn’t be surprised if she had a PhD in Endorian herbology.

So, mostly ruined by the guide, except when she bent over to pick flowers with her cleavage… well, you get the picture. Still, bored out of my mind and i wouldn’t date her for my hight, less she compare me to a tree! Still, a memorable visit, and for once, for some of the right reasons.

Log 6: Mustafar

Landing on the virgin crust of the planet, it was a short walk from the hotel where i had booked a nights stay. The heat of the planet was not too bad on the crust, but the crusts dark and sooty appearance gave me no illusion of what stage of planetary development the planet was at. The hotel rep met me at the LZ and we immediately engaged in the bullshit relationship of ‘you’ve-got-to-like-me-but-I’m-going-to-like-you-to-try-and-make-it-easer-for-you-but-don’t-expect-me-to-do-you-favors-or-go-to-any-sort-of-length-to-impress-you-because-I-won’t-know-you-for-long-and-then-we-will-never-meet-again’.

The hotel was situated bellow the forming crust but supported far above a river of lava. The holo-images of the past dictate a faster flow than what it was now. As this was my first night, I decided to familiarise myself with the hotel. First, I went in search of the pool…yeah, no pool. But I found a bar and the tender, who I actually got along with very well, informed me that a good place to go was this little town on the crust. It was the first crust town. I thought brilliant, so I went in search of the rep.

We got to the town in the late afternoon and it was far enough onto the crust for the me to feel more stable walking on it. The Rep had been happy to take saying it was a popular tourist spot. Only when we got there, i found little of what i would call a town. I was really just one big metal industrial building and a few houses surrounding this buildings perimeter fence. I soon discovered, to my dismay, that this was a crust testing facility researching the newly forming crust, and as such it was off-limits to tourists. The houses were all deserted, so i guess they must be the workers houses and the only shop there seemed to sell rocks of crust and containers of lava, all branded from Mustafar and all really quite overpriced.

So, with a horrid realisation that this planet was just a hot, half molten rock, but also with a fake smile to my Rep, i retreated in the Rep’s land cruiser back to the hotel, where there one thing made the trip worth while. I was sat in my bed but was way too hot to sleep, so, as it was still quite early, i headed to the bar and ordered a cool refreshing beer, and, belive it or not, i got a cool refreshing beer! My surprise made me gulp greedily, untill the barman noticed my fast disappearing pint and warned me to take it easy.

It was only after he explained that the hobs were local that I clicked. You know how fertile volcano soil is right. Well, now the planet has soil and due to its heat, the only thing there really been able to grow is hobs. These hobs are grown in 100% volcanic soil with heat from the planet’s crust! That next i woke up i was back in my room on Home twelve and I  felt, well, I felt so I’ll…you know what, lets not go into it.

Log 5: The Alderaan asteroid belt

Log 4: Coruscant

With Coruscant, like I had done with Mustafar, i decided to book a room for the night. As i was landing, it was early morning and, well the entire planet is one big city. Need i say more than: RETAIL THERAPY! I just spent the whole, well nearly the whole day, shopping, drinking coffee and other drinks like coffee, trying free samples and shopping some more. It was so exhausting and eye-opening to just how many different species there are out there. The different styles, clothing, music, languages. It boggled my mind.

Eventually, when i could no longer stand, i got a taxi to my hotel room and sat down with another coffee like substance and was just about to go to bed, but when i caught a view of the city at night through my bed room window, which was panoramic, by the way, i just couldn’t say no. The big bright lights enticed me to the night life. I put on my best new clothes, went out and partied harder than i have ever done in my entire life. The next sleep i got was when i was back on the transport going to Home twelve, and that two-day stay will stay with me forever!

Log 3: Naboo

Well, let me sort something out right now. Naboo is a tourist trap! There, i said it. I’m sorry, it just is. It’s lake villas and mountain ranges and its picturesque reserves. A great city with lovely towns and the occasional hamlet. The place is purely irresistable and completely filled with pig-headed, polluting, noisy, unfriendly tourists. Almost every house is a summer-house for someone and everywhere you turn there are a couple o’ dozen tourists. Even out in the open fields where the rhino like creatures run wild, untamed but unagressive and kept in check. Even there, there’s a man shouting at the rhino like creatures so he can get them angry enough to picture them in a charging shot, not thinking that it would be charing at him or his family. His wife’s trying to shout over him and one of their kids is blatantly littering with the treat his parents have given him to keep quiet and the other is just running around doing whatever. If it wasn’t for the pristine blue skys and the emerald grass, the sparkling, clear light blue water, you’d be forgiven for thinking this was a hell hole.

It’s only at number 3 because off the planets charm and the genuine impossibility of being bored.

Log 2: Kashyyk

I can sum this planet up as such. It had a forest full of dangerous creatures, but they stuck to the forest. I got a ride on a giant flying machine. The food was all original and tasted, actually rather crap, but i got a flight around the wookiee city in a giant wookiee made flying machine. The wookiees were a wonderful people to be hosted by, as long as i let them win and didn’t complain at the sheer amount of heavy-handed hugs i got. Oh, but a bonus was i did get a free ride around the wookiee city and its surrounding villages, with toilet and shopping stopes in a giant Wookiee flying machine.

The flight was brilliant and Kashyyk looks brilliant from the air. Plus i was seeing the hostile parts of the planet from way up high where i was relatively safe from harm. AND, the flight was for free. AND i got FREE ICE CREAM! Ok, so i lied about the ice cream, but the flight was good. In fact, i could sum up the whole planet with the word good. Everything, maybe with the exception of the crappy food, was good. Thank you Wookiees for a great stay.

Only i don’t think i shall go again. It’s one of those once in a life time planets. Not because you can only go there once in your life time, but more because you only want to go there once in your lifetime.

Log 1: Utapau

Utapau is my number one because it was my kind of holiday. The planet was off the beaten track, but not TOO far. I was only on this planet for a day and that was my only mistake. Honestly, when i retire, i want to move here. The main city was divided into seven holes, connected by a very cleaver transport system. The locals were soo friendly, but not TOO friendly. You can really get a sense this isn’t a tourist planet as everything was Utapauian and the people there were always just going about there daily business instead of trying to flog me stuff.

There was plenty of local history to the planet which i adored exploring as well as the decision to live in holes. The city dynamic was original to say the least. The food was all local and all stuff i didn’t know, which is how i like it. Also, as the explorer i am, i went to there above hole safari. The planet is great, the animals are great, the people are great, the hotels looked great and in great locations from the outside. It was a warm day with a cool breeze and a few clouds. It was almost perfect.

Thankyou for reading. How well did my first travel writing go? (answers in responses please)

That Other Guy

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2 thoughts on “Star Wars Galaxy Vacation

  1. I was too busy crying from the memorial service for Alderaan, so you’ll have to trust me that it was don’e well enough for fifth place.

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