Now, I know that a lot of my friends will not want to read this. Good for them. The last image they want is of me tossing myself off. However, for those of you that DO want to see that image, I have a little message… See a doctor… Now.
So, I’m going to review self-sexual gratification, or more commonly, masturbating. How can I do that? Well, I’m going to spend a lot of time masturbating over the few days I write this, then give my opinion on it. I know this experience is supposed to be unique to me, but what the heck, right? If I can’t talk about wanking, who can?
So… Wanking. What is it, first of all? Well, look at Redtube and then do what comes naturally. No, don’t click the X in the top right corner, and don’t click on THAT video.
Now that you know what it is, what do I think of it?
Well, it’s so… Messy. I mean, there’s sweat and spunk and, well, in my case, tears. It’s just not worth the hassle. I had 5 nervous breakdowns and 3 sprained wrists for this review and I don’t think it was worth it. No, I won’t put any images up, but bloody hell. Why do people do this to themselves? It’s torture. I mean, I enjoyed it, but bloody hell. I felt like a dirty whore both before, during and after. A bit like her, actually…
So, here’s the thing. I am a pervert. You should all know it by now. Yes. I jacked off to that picture. Okay, no I didn’t, that’s a lie, but I got a boner. Again, a lie. I got a semi, but my point still stands.
Masturbating is, as we all know, the sex of the single or lonely people. It’s for people who don’t get sex. I know it, you know it. There’s those that DO get sex, that do it for fun, or because they’re not getting any, and there are people who get sex, but wank to mock those that don’t. I don’t get it people. Can’t we all wank freely, regardless of our relationship status’?
Here’s my proposal to you all – International Masturbation Day. We all agree to wank on one day, in unison, if you will, to show the world that we’re serious about our pastimes. People call me a wanker. You know what I say? “It’s a hobby!”. Why? Because it is. I will never lost interest in spunking. Men don’t. Women don’t, even if it’s probably not the right term for it. Cumming is the way we all realise that we’re still human. That split second when you orgasm is the happiest any person has ever, or will ever, be, because you’ll only ever experience that through wanking. Sure, sex can recreate that effect, but it’s not the same, nor as good. Trust me. I know. At least when you wank, you don’t have to please someone else as well. It’s all about you. Now that, my dear reader, is the best sex of all.
So, get back to me on Global Wank Day, and we’ll arrange something. I’m thinking July 25th, for no real reason other than it being a random day that’s still to come. Let me know!