The US Election And What I Think…


So, today, 6th November, is the day of the US Election. I won’t see who wins until Wednesday morning, as I refuse to stay up all night watching an election which, in my eyes, is probably going to fuck us all over. Here’s what I think.

Obama can’t win. I want him to win, but he’s just not as popular as we need him to be.

This term, he managed to stop the USA from entering a double-dip recession, unless I missed that news story, went ahead with preparations for the US version of the NHS, managed to help convince the world to back the Libyan rebels, and, as such, overthrow Gaddafi and show the USA and the UK as pioneers for the free world, whilst hunting down and killing Osama Bin Laden and all whilst fighting allegations about his name, his birth-country and apparent drug-use whilst in college.

He was, in essence, Super-man. However, let’s look at what he has to compare to.

Mitt Romney, the Mormon from Michigan, who believes that Universal Health Care is a bad idea, wants to place women in “binders” (and not the kinky kind, might I add), has questionable opinions on rape and other sexual assaults (if Tumblr is correct) and, most of all, is almost definitely going to win today’s election.

Why? The fourth word of his bio, here, explains it all. Mormon. Now, I know Mormon history, heck, I was a Mormon for a while. I know their beliefs, their history and most of all, what they are like. They’re decent people. Most of them, that is. Some are bastards, like you and me, but most are great.

Romney, being both political and actively religious, has about as much chance of becoming President, as Jesus would if the latter had massive tits, worked at Hooters and was taking part in a wet-t-shirt contest with guns and doughnuts. Yes. It’s that likely that he’ll win.

And of course, a man of Romney’s stature should win, surely, what with being an avid alternative-Christian, so to speak, and a politician. He has the backing of the rich, and the backing of the religious. That’s America covered, like, 1.3 times.

So why SHOULDN’T he win?

Well, like I said, I know Mormon history and beliefs. What a lot of people think about the Mormons, is that they are a group of religious polygamists with a penchant for calling themselves President, as a religious title. Now, some of that is true. They DO call themselves President, as a religious title. HECK, technically, I’m a Bishop for them. I prefer Prophet of Choice, but a bishop is a good chess piece too…

Back in 18-whatever-it-was, the Mormons moved to modern-day Utah, then called Deseret, to avoid persecution in the Western States, after their leader, Joseph Smith Jnr was killed. They go west, under the clever planning and guidance of Brigham Young, to Deseret, where they set up as their own state, wanting to join the USA, with their multiple wives and lack of proper government.

To be allowed a part of the USA, they had to give up their religious belief of polygamy, supposedly because God thought being part of the US was worth missing out on sex from 3 different wives at once. They drop polygamy, get into the USA and, baddabing baddaboom, Utah!

Now, with Romney likely to take the stage as a REAL President, he could introduce legislation for polygamy to be re-instated, going against 200 years of American Legal Proceedings and Legislation. Hopefully, the senate would vote against it, but, heck, who knows?

Plus, there’s his removal of health insurance for however many people it is, something that a deeply religious man should not even think about doing. That’d be like the Pope drop-kicking a sack of puppies.

Romney has proven time and time again that he is using religion as the stepping stone it should not be, and that only leads me to believe that he’ll fuck the US over time and time again. If they fall, who falls next? The Uk? Germany? Canada? France? Australia? New Zealand? Mexico? China? Russia? Everywhere?

As a world, we cannot afford for Romney to win, yet n the final day, it’s the so-called swing states that’ll call it. Obama or Romney? Which one?

I think it’s too close to call. I THINK Romney will win by a close margin, but I want Obama to win. I really do. I trust him more and, to be honest, other than “God bless”, when does Obama use religion? I like that answer…

So, too close to call, religious intentions, possible corruption and I think we’re all fucked.

Who wins? let’s see shall we?

That Guy

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36 thoughts on “The US Election And What I Think…

  1. The swing states are likely to vote for Obama, Romney is already behind and he has far more work to do if he’s going to win. Also, I don’t particularly like the idea of an extremely active and prominent member of the Mormon church having access to nuclear weapons.

    • Only because you absolutely hate them, based on prejudices you learnt about in GCSE History. As a religion, they are, by my standards, fairly on the level. If I had to place them anywhere on the That-Guy-O-Meter, they would EASILY beat the Catholics.

  2. Also the President doesn’t have that much power. He has to go through the Senate AND the House of Representatives before he can push forward legislation and chances are that both of those are going to be against legalizing polygamy. Also, America has huge areas of poverty and Romnay wrote off almost half of the electorate in the early stages of his campaign by saying that he can’t help them because they can’t be assed to help themselves. Oh and most of America has a similar attiutude to me in terms of Mormons. They’re wierd, and Americe is made up of such a range of religions that you can’t justgroup them under Romney, Obama’s religious too. Seriously Jordan, did you do any research? :L

    • The research I did was the research I needed to do to complete the post. I am writing this as a British Citizen, who’s entire knowledge of this, is what he can be bothered to scrape together from ‘reliable’ sources, and the stuff he gets fed by BBC News. If that’s not good enough for you, then don’t read the fucking post. It was called “The US Election And What I Think…” for a fucking reason. I didn’t name it “A Bazillion Irrelevant Facts About The Upcoming US Election That You Don’t Want To Read, Because You’re Here For My Opinion”…

  3. Firstly, the President doesn’t have that much power, he has to go through the House of Representatives and the Senate before he can do practically anything, and even if both of these end up being composed mainly of Republicans I highly, highly doubt they’ll be in favour of Polygamy. Mormons are still viewed as being a little weird and they aren’t allowed to practise Polygamy any more. They can believe in it but they can’t actually practice it. Secondly, the swing states are more likely to vote for Obama, though it’s not that objective, and even if they don’t Romney still has to win them all if he’s going to take the election because he’s too behind. I’m not saying he can’t do it but it isn’t as likely as you say it is. Thirdly, Romney doesn’t use his religion, other people just draw attention to it. Furthermore, Obama is a Christian, he was part of a Methodist Church right up until the last election where he had to switch because the preacher was talking smack about him. He’s still an active Christian though. Oh and the Pope does a lot worse than kicking puppies, he’s a murderer.

    • With the polls showing them, I quote, neck-and-neck, I see that as they both have a good chance of winning. Obama made a lot of mistakes this term and, sadly, I think that’ll fuck him over. Now, I was informed today, that he has pulled ahead in some polls, so, looking good so far.

      I understand the basic idea behind the US Government, Ben. I know he can’t just legalize polygamy, and frankly, I find it insulting to think that you of all people would assume I thought of the USA as a dictatorship. I’m not, as if I had to say it, a fucking moron.

      He may not use his religion in the way you thought I meant, but he has used religion as a stepping stone. He went from stake-president (regional religious leader) to running in the 1994 US Senator Elections, which he lost, before returning back to religious leading. His position of power in the church, albeit quite small, was still a step on his way to where he is now, and, as such, can be considered a stepping stone.

      Oh, and be careful what you say about the Pope. It may be true, but if we’re not careful with the number of people we piss off, we’ll reach the pontiff no return and we’ll get shut down…

  4. The Pope helps paedophiles escape justice!!!
    I will pay you to make that the new site motto…

    • I’m sorry, but however true that may be, I can’t allow it to become our motto. The last thing I need is an angry Catholic mob in front of our head office, blissfully unaware that you, the source of all this chaos, have never even seen the inside of our head office building…

  5. POPE BENEDICT XVI IS A CORRUPT, EVIL BASTARD WHO HELPS PAEDOPHILES ESCAPE JUSTICE, CONDEMNS HOMOSEXUALS, WOMEN AND JEWS AND CAUSES THE DEATHS OF MILLIONS OF HIS OWN FOLLOWERS IN AFRICA!!! HE DESERVES TO BURN IN THE HELL CREATED BY MEN LIKE HIM OBSESSED WITH MAINTAINING POWER OVER IDIOTS!!

    *cough* *cough* oh sorry, nasty cold coming on…

    • You know, I don’t have to keep approving these comments, and to be honest, I’m starting to wonder whether a lawyer, should I feel the need to hire one, would agree that approving them was a very bad idea…

  6. THE VATICAN SUPPORTED THE SLAVE TRADE AND DENIED THE HOLOCAUST!!!

    Seriously Jordan I can go all night with these….

    • I know you can. For anyone reading these and being deeply offended by them, please note that they are the opinions of Benny4700, and Benny4700 alone. By approving them, I merely accept his right to free-speech, but not that what he is saying is true. You are free to direct any anger you wish at him, and not at the rest of the team. I’m innocent in all this.

  7. Innocent? Yesterday you were saying, and I remember this clearly, how all religious people were ‘mindless zombies feeding on the lies told by attention seeking savages and a society wishing to comfort their children and their dying’

    THE PAPACY HORDES MONEY, LEAVING THE REST OF THE WORLD TO STARVE, WHILST STILL CLAIMING TO FOLLOW THE TEACHING AND ORIGINAL DOCTRINE OF JESUS CHRIST!!!

  8. I can see you frantically searching through the Yellow Pages for an affordable solicitor right now and it’s making me feel all warm inside :L

    I hope he works as a snake charming clown in his spare time:L

    HE POPE AND HIS CARDINALS OUGHT TO BE THROWN TO THE STREETS, MADE TO APOLOGIZE AND GIVE BACK TO THE SOCIETY FROM WHICH THEY SO SHAMELESSLY STOLE!!!

    • Actually, if you recall, we decided that I would defend us all in court, so, you know, we’re fucked if the Pope comes a knockin’…

      Ha! I’ll be… *Puts on glasses* Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door!

  9. You…You aren’t phrasing it right…
    It should be:

    When the Pope comes a knockin

    I guess you could say we’ll be knockin *glasses* on Heavens Door YEEEAAHHHHH!!!!

    Please that’s never going to happen :L

    SCIENTOLOGY IS A SCAM AND RUPERT MURDOCH IS A FILTHY LIAR!!!

  10. You missed the YEEAAAAHHHH!!!

    (INSERT LAWSUIT FODDER HERE)

  11. Now i know about what the Pope thing was all about.

    For everyone else’s benefit, in our last meeting Benny tried to mention the Pope and was abruptly stopped by That Guy, and he wouldn’t divulge why.

    Now i know, and for the record…. i have nothing to say on the matter.

    (off the record however….)

    • You know, I know I have a certain dislike for the Catholics, but it’s only the whole conflict in Ireland and Paedophilia thing which puts me off. It’s not the religion I’m against…

  12. Seriously guys, look into it. The Vatican needs to be reformed and the chief Cardinals strung up alongside the Pope.

    • Yes, but you can’t SAY that, or they send ninja’s in to get yo-aaaaaragggh!

      • …The Vatican don’t use ninja, they have the Swiss guard…And corrupt, greedy paedophiles, lots of corrupt, greedy, paedophiles that the Pope protects…

      • They don’t PUBLICIZE the ninjas, but by God, I can guarantee they use them. And samurai, and men with cheese-wire… Swiss men with cheese-wire… RUSTY CHEESE-WIRE!

      • Ya know if it wasn’t for all the beautiful artwork, architecture and history I would actually blow the place up…with everyone in it…And you CAN use that in court Vatican city, I am actually giving you stuff to use against us in a legal battle. Why? Because you need all the help you can get assholes. Bring. It.

        Also my views represent those of That Guy That Reviews Stuff.

        PS: Send clowns

        PPS: Send snakes too

      • Just to clarify, the views expressed by any of the writers, or readers who comment, are not representative of TGTRS as a whole, and, as such, cannot be used as admissible evidence against us as a non-profit-corporation. Please, avoid sending snakes, or clowns. Thank you.

  13. My views represent those of TGTRS, specifically That Guy, AKA Jordan Phillip Raymond Swallow. Feel free to sue the living crap out of him, I will provide you with all the evidence you need.

    PS: Do send snakes and clowns and spiders, oh my.

    • Since my esteemed colleague here seems to think it’s comical to both joke about lawsuits and the Catholic church, I would like to remind him that I CAN revoke his admin status and delete ANY comments I wish to delete…

  14. Firstly, Calm down. Nobody is going to sue us
    Secondly. I wasn’t joking about the Catholic Church that stuff really happens

  15. I’m not joking.
    I hate the Vatican.
    Everything I said about it is true.
    Everything I said is provable fact.
    If it helps I speak independently of the site.
    I’ll say as much in court.
    I’ll say as much to the face of the Pope himself.
    Bring. It. Bitches.

  16. Fine, I look forward to it.
    You’ve got me for Slander Benedict, come and get me.

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